Paranoia & Condiments
I had a conversation with a friend today about medical ailments. He admitted to being a little overly paranoid when it came to the possibility of having a medical emergency.
Those of you that know me personally, (yes Karen) know that I too, suffer from the ailment called "Paranoia Usually Turned Zany" or what is commonly known as "PUTZ" Syndrome.
Do you suffer from PUTZ? You can easily tell. My friend said he went to his doctor after becoming alarmed with a small twitch, in his arm. On occasion his arm would *twitch*. Fearing the worst... like.. oh... Polio or something..... he went to the doctor. He was diagnosed as... well... having a twitch in his arm.
PUTZ.... not him. The Syndrome.
Which made me recall a similar experience. Well not similar, but paranoid.
I had a small bump on my bicep. A good 2 inches up from my elbow. I panicked. Hey.... it was less that a foot from my breast, perfectly within "panic range" for me. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed as having a bump. An imperfection. *gasp* I know. Hard to believe.
But my doctor then sat me down. Moved his hand over his mouth, rested his elbow on his knee, leaned forward...looked at me.....ran his hand through his hair and blurted the following...
"When i tell you to check for lumps on your breast, i mean ON your breast, underarms too, but don't come to me with a mosquito bite on your ass and ask me if you have prostate cancer"
PUTZ....not the Syndrome. The Doctor.
I recently quit smoking. Which makes sense considering my fear of illness. I'm even watching what I eat. As opposed to eating blindfolded, that is. "Condiments" my doctor says, "are often fat free. So I stocked up on ketchup, mustard, relish, vinegar and the like. But you know. I have questions.
Vinegar? It makes me nervous, I mean, vinegar eats through that crap that corrodes my coffeemaker, I don't think I want that in my gut.
And what about relish? I just won't eat it. Upon close inspection, I realized I will never eat it simply because i don't like the resemblence to something you can find in a kids nose.
Ketchup is just mutilated tomatoes. Tomato blood. I can't eat tomato blood.
And mustard? Hey that's stuff Mr. Happy puts on my chest with flour and newspapers when I have bronchitis, a mustard plaster. I can't spread chest medicine on my sammich.
Which leaves basically mayo and butter. Both of which are way high in fat. And to be honest, so is a nice fresh fat loaf of wonder bread. Deli meats are out, sodium and un-named animal parts and such... so.. my only recourse is to eat rice cakes and dream about shrimp cocktail and chocolate gooey dessert of death.
Maybe I'm just PARANOID about needing to watch what I eat!!! Yeah!!! Maybe I look GREAT!!!!!!! *Brushing rice cake crumbs off my lap* And maybe I really am a Goddess. *grumble*
