I've heard women freak out on men, yelling
At the risk of hate mail and death threats....
Oh yes they *DO*............... IF.........
a man has had kidney stones.
(or if they passed a bowling ball from their genitals,
but what are the chances, I ask you?)
Josh was two months old.
I woke one morning with quite a tummy ache and
realized it was impossible to rise out of bed.
Calling my friend that happened to reside in my basement
and no i don't mean an 18 year old college guy.....
Michelle, came up, to watch my kids while i called Karen.
Unbelievably, she was not at home.
So i called a friend who promptly drove me to the hospital.
I can't begin to explain how painful a kidney stone is,
except to simply say it is like a knife in your lower
extremities. Anyone that knows what i mean either has had a kidney stone,
or has a vivid imagination cuz... how do you know what
a knife in your lower extremities feels like?
The triage folks put me in a bed and asked me
"Could you be pregnant?"
I know they were thinking "Tubal pregnancy"
I couldn't even be funny, i just shook my head.
They took blood, managed to obtain a urine sample
and said I couldn't have painkillers till they knew i was
not pregnant.
In the meantime, Karen arrived, bursting through the
emergency room doors like a Goddess....
I was practically crawling over the bed in agony....
pleading with her "GET ME SOME DRUGSSSSSS!!"
She placed her hand on my forehead, smoothing my
hair, clucking her tongue...."Shhhh just breathe....."
I spat at her.
(With words, not mucous, c'mon!!!!!!)
"I'm not in friggen LABOUR here!!!!! DRUGS!!!!!!!"
She smiled, I wanted to slap her but i was in way too
much pain. The nurse came back with a big needle.
Karen leaned over the bed to whisper to the nurse...
"Forgive her, she has a low pain threshold...."
The nurse leaned back... "She has kidney stones..."
This made Karen stop. She's a nurse. She *knows*
that "Kidney stones = pain".
They shot me up. I searched Karen's face, desperately
waiting for La-La Land. When i arrived, my face softened
I looked at the nurse, I believe i asked her to marry me,
lay back and started to giggle.
I'm a *lousy* stoner.
They wheeled me up to x-ray and planted me in the hall.
Karen stayed with me.
She decided we would play word association games.
I'm stoned. I mean... STONED... and she wants to
play word association games.
"Ok, when i say TEA, what do you think of?" she sez.
One word and already I'm stumped. I didn't answer.
"Ok then how about coffee?"
I knew this one.....thinking 'decafinate', I yell out...
"DEFACATE!!!!"
Just as a very handsome young doctor walks by.
I smile at him, nod, repeat "defacate" cuz i'm smart.
He looks at Karen, she just shrugs like she has no idea
what i'm talking about or who i am for that matter.
Meanly, she tells me to spell Pharmaceutical, and
i don't even know if i have it right YET!!!!!!!
After all is said and done in hospital from this last
episode, my brain wracks with how to REPAY my
loving sister for her KINDNESS in my moment of NEED.
Read on..... I had my moment in the sun.
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Take me home! Main Dave's Chronicles |