One woman's plea
Ok...
On Sept 29/99, I came to the realization that perhaps a whole bag of hickory sticks per day wasn't perhaps the best thing in the world to replace cigarettes.
So...
Since that date, I've been one of the sheep in the "Atkins Phenomenon" and doing the low-carb thing. Mock if you will, believe me you won't be the first *smile*. The first two weeks is the basic water loss, dumped 12 lbs just like that *snap* then fell into a long, almost three week weight loss stall.
Figured I was doomed to be "volumptuous" my whole life.
Miraculously (or maybe because I had thrown it against the wall so much it feared for it's plastic and steel life) the scale started working again and since then, 24 lbs are gone and a total of 10 inches.
But I often wonder. Where did it go?
I was in the grocery store just the other day, pressing my face up against icecream display windows and steamin' 'em up... an acquaintance I hadn't seen since summer approached and blurted "Dave what happened to all your chins?" No "hi" "hello", nuthin', just "where are all your chins"
I was tempted to thwap her with a french bread stick. My inner demons shouted "LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE MOVED TO YOUR BUTT!" but of course I'm not *MEAN*, so I just said I've been losing weight.
I'll be doing this 'til March/2000 <------crud that looks weird. Month/2000. Anyway. *segue*
March 9, 2000 is my 15th wedding anniversary. Mr. Happy's favourite day of the year. When he gets the anniversary card signed exactly the same way from me every year.... "It's our anniversary! Love to the happiest man in the world and don't you ever forget it." Only *this* year, it'll be served up on a buff bod.... but..... what'll I wear?
Lingerie? *UGH* Like... what's the point??? It only gets torn off within seconds anyway...and it just never fits right. (Er.. Mom.... that's just what I've HEARD about lingerie)... besides it's all lacy and *dainty* and fluffy *rolling my eyes and covering my mouth*... "Lingerie ain't my bag, baby"
I suppose a long sexy nightgown might work... but then I'd have to get *those* slippers. You know... the ones that are all satin except for the toe where it's line with feather boa stuff or fake squirrel fur (or something)... sashaying around, falling off the stupid heel, breaking my leg and ending up in E.R. on my anniversary. *Big red X*
Then there's the naked thing. But then, what do you talk about? At least with the lingerie, he could say "Whoops, wedgy huh?" or "How many squirrels died for those shoes?" when I fall off the slipper heels.... but naked? What do you say? "Nice um.... well.....Hey how 'bout them Blue Jays!" We've *seen* all that for 15 years. Surely I can be more creative.
Saran Wrap? Body latex? Ugh looks like too much work, I don't wanna be peeled like a grapefruit, I want, what all worthy, frustrated housewives want... to be WORSHIPPED FOR BEING THE GODDESS I AM!!
(Pausing while housewives all across the world slam their coffee mugs down on their computer desks yelling "HELL YA!") (Waiting patiently for those with more exhuberance to finish standing on their porch, waving their fists at on-coming traffic, singing "I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!")
It'll probably be a T-Shirt with "You call me a bitch like it's a bad thing" written on it, coupled with the knowledge that no matter what I'm wearing, he's the happiest man in the world.
I have four months. Oy. Wish me luck. ~Dave~
