Raising children in the 90's has been explained to death.
People solds millions of books telling you how to talk
to your kids, how to listen to your kids, how to organize
playtime and how to be their friends.

I wonder if anyone is going to write about raising children
in the new millenium? How embarrassing for a kid.
At least I can say "Yes, I was born in the 60's"
New kids are gonna have to say "Yes, I was born in
the 00's"
Sounds pretty lame if you ask me.
They are zeroes.
Talk about self-esteem.

How come nobody never wrote about mothers having to teach
little boys how to pee standing? Do you know how difficult
it is to explain to a giggling toddler how to "hold it" and aim
when you yourself have never had to "hold it" and aim?
Sure Dad's could do it, if Dad's didn't work 12 hours and day,
come home tired and hungry, and would prefer a fork with roast
beef in his hand rather than discuss the feeling of accomplishment
one possesses while standing with one hand resting against the
wall, and the other aiming.

Then there is the time when they don't want to sit in the bath.
They want to shower.
Which for us is good, considering our low water level.
They figure, if they shampoo their hair, all the bubbles that
slide down over them certainly should be enough lather to
rinse away and consider themselves clean. Heck even just
standing under the spray ought to blast the dirt off.
I calmly explained that washclothes can also be used in the
shower. Wow what an epiphany.

Now that they're understanding showers, and that just letting the
shampoo drip over them isn't exactly the same as washing,
I wonder if I can teach them how to flush, put the lid down, and
change the toilet paper roll, though I doubt it.... it hasn't
been done in 2000 years, dunno why I think I stand a chance.

Though I *am* going to place a sign on their walls,
directly over the wash baskets...
"LAUNDRY HAMPERS ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR"

It's virtually impossible to be a cool parent in the
age of Southpark. I think this way of behaving with
your children is pretty much gone.

I was trying to be really hip.
You know, you remember how to be cool?
Well I thought I still was cool.
Damian showed me a pokemon um... thing...
and I sorta looked at it and got all hip and groovy and said
"Hey... that's really cool!",
he looks at me and says
"No Dave, it's *sweet*, it's not cool, it's *sweet*",
talk about deflating my ego. So I thought I'd try using
it in a sentence.

Now, when I try to say "Hey. that's sweet!" He tells me I make it
sound gushy and flowery and I shouldn't use that word....
he says "You say it like... awww that's sweet! You're not
supposed to say it all mother- like".

So there you have it.
I've been demoted from hip and cool, to...
"mother-like".

I just hope when THEY have kids, they'll realize they
aren't allowed to be cool .. oops, I mean "sweet"
anymore either. Maybe THEN they'll appreciate all
those times I had to clean off the walls because they
giggled too much to aim, all the times I yelled when I was
in the shower when they decided they'd actually practice
flushing the toilet....

Then again, maybe they won't.
Their wives will be doing it all.
Yes of course they will, because my boys will not
be happy with any woman that isn't the spit'n'image of
dear ole Dave. Nope....ahhhhhh.

Ok enough's enough.
"Someone* just flushed the toilet, and Damian is showering.

Take me home! Main Dave's Chronicles