ex·er·cise
According to Webster:
"Activity that requires physical or mental exertion, especially when
According to Dave:
"The masochistic method of creating extreme
What do you do when you have lost weight that is equivalent
Exercise.
Too many letters to be a "four-letter word", but it enforces the
I don't "do" gyms. 90% of them are simple fashion shows with
Donning the classic black cotton/spandex tights with matching
Placing a tape in the machine, I flick on the television.
She directs where I should place my feet, how far up to reach
So far so good. At least that's what she said.
Now she has me running on the spot with 5lb weights in
"Take your mat, lie on your back, feet shoulder distance
Oh. Ok well if I'm not done, at least I get to lie down now.
I look at the screen to see her pedaling an imaginary bike,
"That's it! Very good!"
My stomach muscles are exploding, I'm going half speed, my
"Faster now... c'mon, lift those legs... squeeze that tummy!"
Finally she stops the idiotic peddling and has me lie flat again.
"Now lift that butt! Squeeeeeeze it tight.. hold it... hold it... and
I do this, over and over, lifting, squeezing and releasing, thankful
"Now lift and HOLD IT! HOLD IT TIGHT! Squeeze tight and put
This... is a virtual impossibility. Yet there she is, lifting and
"Hold it tight! Make it burn!"
Something is going to burn, but it's not going to be my butt.
I simply lie there on my back, panting, sweating, feeling every
"There now! Don't you feel better! I'm so proud of you!
I'm immobile. I can't even crawl to the shower much less
As I am doing this, Mr Happy walks in the room and looks
"What are you doing?"
I look up at him and smile.
"Exercising."
n.
performed to develop or maintain fitness"
pain in regions of your body that until said punishment has
been administered, have not transformed from it's fetal stages."
to that of a 4 year old? Besides the obvious, brag... strut and
preen... you attempt to mould your body into something resembling
that of "Good Shape". How do you go about obtaining this
state of mind and body?
exact same meaning, in my humble opinion.
Twiggy shaped females, and Van Damme cloned men, flexing and
unflexing as a member of the opposite sex passes by. I prefer
the sanctity of my living room. That way my non-existent
muscles are flexed for my eyes only.
black sports bra, I stand in the living room. It has been years
since my last aerobics class, but the routines are seemingingly
identical now as they were then.
Almost immediately, a perfectly manicured, coiffured and
perfectly made-up female version of Hercules appears on my
screen. She smiles at me. I smile back. She seems very nice,
and even states that she wants to help me.
with my hands and how to "march on the spot" in time to the
music she plays in the background.
"You're doing wonderfully! That's it!"
I'm beaming. I'm doing wonderfully and she says so.
Except it's only 5 minutes into this routine and I'm winded.
each hand, bending and unbending my arm.
"4 more.... 3 more.... 2 more... 1 more...."
"Wonderful work!"
YEAY! I must be done! My arms are killing me but all in all
I think I did a good job, and prepare to have a shower.
apart"
She really is looking out for me, and I find myself really
appreciating her kindness.
while lying on her back, and bringing her elbows to meet her
knees as she peddles. All while twisting her body this way and
that. I attempt to do the same.
She's not even winded.
And she starts to pedal faster.
elbows are not reaching my knees, I'm sweating like
Jerry Lewis in a room full of mothers and female comedians
and really resenting the fact that she doesn't even
have a hair out of place.
She peddles.
I don't.
"Very good! 4 more... three more..."
Fool.
Knees bent, feet shoulder width apart flat on the floor.
Actually this is comfortable and I feel calmer toward her again.
lower. Lift squeeze release. Lift squeeze release."
Mr Happy isn't there to see this. This isn't so bad at all!
your feet together, put your knees together... now lift squeeze
release"
squeezing. I struggle and feel muscles in my butt screaming
at me. My face tenses, my hands fist and I hold it, just like the
sadistic SOB tells me to.
It will be her soul, the blackhearted witch.
I hate her again and want very much to step on her hair while
she gets up, shakes her supple limbs out and goes for the
cool down.
single muscle in my entire body laugh at me and unable to lift
my hand to click the vcr off. I listen to her speaking to me.
Jump into the shower and we'll meet again tomorrow!"
She prances off.
"jump" into it. Slowly I drag myself to a standing position.
Hunched over, one hand on my butt, the other grasping
pieces of furniture. I hobble to the vcr and take the tape out.
With the last of my strength, leaning against the couch, I yank
the film from the tape. It gathers in a curled heap at my feet.
at me.
Take me home!
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