Damian is almost 11.
I should have been prepared for this.
I'm doing the dinner dishes, humming to the CD I
Damian closes his notebook at sits at the table
"Dad, what's sex?"
Mr Happy looks up from his work.
"Well son... it's when.... well... ok..."
"You see...."
"Boys and girls bodies and minds go through certain
Damian looks at him.
"Well... your voice will change and become deeper and
I snort, recover and carry on with my dishes, eavesdropping.
"There is alot more to it" Mr Happy says knowingly.
"What else?"
"You start taking interest in girls. You stop teasing them
Lucifer kicks the ball around the kitchen and mumbles
I blink and look at him, so does Mr Happy and Damian.
"Dad, do all boys get woodies?"
Lucifer burts out giggling.
"Is that what your teacher calls it???" Mr Happy says.
"Well...no, that's what Tyler calls it. " Damian shrugs
"The proper term is "erection", and yes, all boys get them"
"Why?"
Oh brother. Here we go. Please be delicate, Mr Happy.
"Uh. Well... remember I said that you might notice that a girl's
Damian nods.
"It sort of excites you. And when a man gets "excited", his
Mr Happy puts his hand on his forehead, getting a little tense.
"You and Dave had sex then?"
Mr Happy nods, I stare into the sink.
"You only have sex to make babies?" Lucifer asks.
I look at Mr Happy.
"Sometimes married people do that because they love each
"Do only married people do it?" Damian asks.
Oh boy.
I put my dishtowel on the counter and sit down at the table.
"Well actually no. There are people that are not married that
"Is it bad to do it when you're not married?"
"It's my belief, and I hope yours, that you don't go around
I look at him hoping that made sense. He nods and
"Did you have sex before you got married?" He says.
I stop halfway to the sink. Squeeze my eyes shut and
I take a deep breath.
"Your daddy is the only person I have shared that kind
"Same with you, Dad?" Damian asks.
"How do you have babies from sex?" Damian says.
Oy.
"Daddy has seeds. I have eggs. They come together
"How does Daddy's seed get into your tummy?" Damian's
"*That* is the sex part"
"I don't get it"
Noting that God didn't answer my prayer to make him 5, I resign
"I don't want to get too technical,
Mr Happy stuggles again with a laugh and I firmly
"Do you like it?" Damian inquires.
I give him a bored look and a fake yawn.
Damian gets up.
Mr Happy looks at me.
"Well?" he says.
"Well what?" I ask.
"DO you like it?"
"Have I ever complained?" I raise my eyebrows.
"You could have said "Yes" when he asked you know" he sulks.
"And have him ask WHY I like it???"
"It would have made me feel a little more appreciated than the
"He would have asked a million questions about why I liked it,
He just looks at me.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" He grumbles.
"This is getting a little uncomfortable.
Mr Happy looks at me again.
"You know what?" he asks.
"What?"
He smiles.
"Your hair smells nice"
******************************
They are about to study "puberty" in school
It was time for...... "THE TALK".
I knew it was coming.
I just didn't know how SOON!
have playing, watching Lucifer kick the soccer ball
around in the living room, Damian's nose is buried
in his notebook, Mr Happy is writing up an invoice
for work. Happy, content, everyone is busy. I
should have known it wouldn't last.
with Mr Happy.
He closes his invoicing book, crosses his legs and
rests an arm on the table.
He looks at me and smiles
changes when growing up, they go through puberty, it
prepares them for adulthood."
"What changes?"
manly, your muscles get bigger (he flexes) like mine"
Lucifer wanders into the kitchen and half listens.
because you think they're gross, and start teasing them
because you like them. You might start noticing that their
hair smells nice, or they look nice in pretty dresses"
"...and girls look different in sweaters".
He just shrugs and keeps kicking his ball.
I just stop all motion.
I leaned on the countertop,
closed my eyes and prayed for him to be 5 years old again
and only interested in why lizards have scratchy tongues.
Mr Happy says.
hair smells nice?"
body reacts."
"A man and a woman have "sex" so they can have babies"
Damian and Lucifer look at me.
He looks right back at me.
He gives me a helpless look.
So I speak.
other and it's a way for them to express that love. Like when
you see me and Daddy kiss. It's cuz we love each other."
Oh boy oh boy oh boy.
do it too. Grownups." I swallow hard.
Damian questions me.
"having sex" until you meet and marry a girl you want to
be with forever. It's a very special thing and should be
treated that way. You should respect your girlfriend and
your girlfriend should respect you."
doesn't say anything. I get up and start back towards
the sink.
wince a little. One hand rests on the countertop, and I
turn around to see Mr Happy struggling to hold back
a very big laugh.
of love with." Ah, perfectly put. Very true, but not quite
the answer he was looking for.
This time *I* stuggle to hold back the laughter.
He shifts in his chair.
"I always respected my girlfriends, and uh...
Your mother is the only girl I share that kind of love
with." He smiles
All I could think of was "Yeah, nice save. And I notice"
he didn't end that sentence with the word "now"
Mr Happy coughs.
Lucifer gets bored and goes downstairs.
I pull up a chair again between Damian and Mr Happy.
and grow in my tummy, and turn into a baby." I say,
carefully.
brows furrow.
myself to the fact that this won't be a lizard
discussion and I pull my chair in closer.
.... but, it has to do with kissing, holding
each other real tight and loving each other".
grip his leg hard causing him to visually wince.
Mr Happy swats me.
"I think I understand most of it. As much as I want
to anyway. It sounds kinda gross." He goes downstairs
to play with his brother.
blank stare and the yawn"
He crosses his arms over his chest.
specifically because he knows we do it and we're not
having more children" I said smugly.
It's hard enough having
"THE TALK" without it getting
TOO personal" I complain.
Take me home!
Main Dave's Chronicles